That Night I Became Enlightened At a Birthday and Shit

I was all excited last Friday for numerous reasons. First, I found a vintage dress with slits up almost to my vag (pictured!) and it made me sooo happy because I knew I could wear it to my friends birthday the next day and she would LOVE it. 💘 Also, I had my PerfumeH candle lit (something I only do when I feel particularly swanky) a cool breeze was blowing through the house and a nice little sunset was baking over the Hollywood sign. Heaven! I decided to meditate. I am your typical Los Angeles asshole obsessed with “oneness.” I’ve watched so many Eckhart Tolle lectures I could technically be considered a stalker. My mediation “practice” goes back to being a little girl and laying in bed and saying “I am me” over and over again until I would hyperventilate from the craziness of it. But tonight when I thought “I am me,” something different happened. A voice responded “No. I am it. And it is me.” UHHHHH. I felt this cellularly. Suddenly, I am emanating pure raw oneness and I am like LOL NO FUCKING THANKS. It felt scarier than realizing the Truman show was real and everyone you know is actually actors. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t really gotten it before. IT IS SO OBVIOUS. I wanted to turn back. Text an ex, cut my own bangs, the usual. But I knew that was ego so I kept going. I knew the “me” I had been until this point would be gone if I didn’t stop meditating. It made me unspeakably sad to say goodbye, but still I was like “k, whatever, let’s go.” And I meant it. That’s when it felt like a crusted shut orifice opened up on my forehead. I was like, “lalala, my third eye just opened bitch!” And then I was plunged into purple darkness and woke up at 5 am still sitting on my chair cross legged. The next day was a tad stressful, being that I was on the planning committee for my friends birthday and I didn’t have the time to be tripping my dick off on oneness. So I did what anyone who respects birthdays would do and got tipsy enough to forget. I’ve pretty much been staying busy ever since. Anywho! Just wanted to let everyone know I’m semi-enlightened now. Have a nice night!